Hey Hey Hey! I just need to do this to move on
So yeah, in 13 months I lost 10 stone on the Slimming World plan, which I am still very very proud of, with that comes pressure. I was Kerry who lost 10 stone, who everyone looked up to, who everyone asked for advice, who everyone gasped at, who would get spoke about to friends/family. I found this very hard to deal with, I'm just me and always have been.
I found it very hard to live up to the 'perfect Slimming World member' when I was loosing weight I guess I was but there was problems with that too (see previous blog post) but at target behind closed doors I was fighting old habits, binging but then pulling back for days on end hardly eating just so I could be 'Kerry who lost 10 stone' that's no life, it was a strange obsession for months on end, binge all day then not eat properly, it hit a nerve...obsessions/addictions whatever you may call them can lead to dark places, I didn't want to go down this route, I couldn't. I lost my mum when I was 2 because she had some problems herself, it hit home and I knew I had to change.
Since hitting target I have pretty much binged, pulled it back and binged and pulled it back because I feel like I've been thrown in the deep end with nothing to focus on apart from a number on the scales, since hitting target I needed the support more than ever.
Instagram I used to feel pressured to be perfect however I do take great comfort knowing posting my struggles can help someone else in the same position.
Is when it all went a bit wrong, my own fault, I spiralled but because I was enjoying things I didn't before, I knew my obsession/habits had to change... it started with holiday, I ate and ate and ate because I could and started the whole 'guilty' feelings which made me eat more.
I also have recently got back in contact with some family members who are very special to me which lead into nights out of drinking and bad food, being an only child with no parents is tough so family really does mean to world to me, to me these moments in life are special and scales don't matter, making memories is more important.
However this then lead to more fun with friends more alcohol, more bad food and then that leaves me here in this little old mess I'm in.
Bad feelings about myself rubs off on others, something I had no idea I was doing, I was in this crazy little 'eat what I want' bubble but getting stressed and snappy over silly little things, beating myself up, over thinking about life and I haven't been in a good place. It took someone I care about to say how I had affected them and it hit home, it was never my intention to make anyone feel bad or bring them down, my problems clearly were not helping anyone.
I've left my Slimming World group for my sanity, I don't want to live my life based on numbers, it's pretty obvious for me personally it's too much. I want to be me now, not Kerry who lost 10 stone, I want to be my own person and to grow into who I want to be become, I'm 31 and have so many things in life I want to achieve, I missed out on so much when I was overweight.
I stood on the scales and cried my eyes out, stood in the mirror and had a cry too, I've not gained 10 stone back, far from and it's not even that much of a gain but it's how I feel in myself.
Today I woke up positive, ready and very very aware of what's happened this past month. I've forgiven myself, I've taken pictures and it's not the end of the world, it's a hurdle I just need to get over.
So in-between the crazy month I did my first 5k - shocking effort but I tried haha. October 23rd I do a 10k so its gym gym gym and train, something to focus on, I'll be using my fitbit devices which I will blog about very soon.
My new chapter in life is just beginning, I just needed to let it all out to move forward. Getting to target hasn't made me happier instantly, it's been hard work fighting my own demons I guess but to me it's no longer 'target' it's about being happy in myself and for now that's work in progress, no scales, no pressure I just want to live my life, I will of course be eating healthy, I have to. However I feel the instant ease knowing I don't have to weigh every week and plan my life around the sad step.
Loosing weight is brilliant but nobody prepares you for how you feel when you want to live your new slimmer life, you feel punished for enjoying things you couldn't and didn't before. I am trying to find my balance, trying to ease up on myself and trying to chill a little.
WEIGHT HAS BEEN LIFTED!!!! Thanks for reading....I managed without crying or eating a grab bag of m&ms - yes kezza hi 5's all round, though I could murder a kebab but I will have an apple.