I had to lose myself to find myself....

Starting off with a new name. 'Target Little Black Dress' was my aim, forever hoping to get to goal and get in that little black dress.

I did it however that's when the problems for me started.

My story...

Ok so where do I start? At the beginning I guess. I joined Slimming World wanting to lose weight, I was almost 20 stone, unhappy, lonely and ashamed of who I was. I was a young mum and my kids were growing up, I was forever ashamed of being that big mum in the playground.

When I joined Slimming World I never ever imagined I would end up losing 10 stone. As the stones dropped off I was getting more addicted to the feeling, more addicted to the certificates, more addicted to the feeling of them scales moving every week but I was also forgetting to live my life along the way. I stopped socialising and eating out, I was scared to eat certain things in case of weight gain and I was used as this example every single week at group and finally the pressure got to me.

Yes I lost 10 stone very quickly but it didn't make me happy, I was sad, scared to eat and forever hiding behind a fake smile, surely being my dream size would bring me instant happiness? Sadly it didn't.

What changed...

It all changed this August when I went on holiday, I wanted to be normal, I wanted to eat ice cream, chips and things 'normal' people do, that's when I let go a little bit and I am so glad I did. This summer was amazing, I made some really special memories, I ate, drank and did some amazing things, memories which will stay with me forever. That's when it hit me, is it really worth stressing over a number?

My moto in life now is 'memories over the scales'

My thoughts over BMI...

So - BMI - always sets up a debate 20-25 is healthy range, right? I focused so hard to be in the range, I got there (left pic) was 24.6 BMI and the right picture with a BMI of 26. For me this is why I will not be setting a number to live around (everyone is different) this is what partly sent me to obsessive mode, I potentially could of lost 2 and a bit more stone and been 'healthy'. I know being that BMI is not for me, I lost the parts of me I liked and became very boney, so NHS this little 5 foot 3 kezza will sadly not be in range to be happy.

So much more needs to be taken into consideration when calculating BMI, well that's my thoughts anyway as we are all very different.

I lost myself for a while...

For a while I went through the scales don't matter stage, but lets face it that really isn't going to work is it kez when you keep eating kebabs, M&Ms and being naughty. I even joined weight watchers briefly but I just couldn't switch.

I have finally realised I can have a healthy relationship with food, enjoy life and do Slimming World along the way. It has taken time and I have also gained 2 stone in that time. The gym went out the window as I injured my knee and I'm currently having physiotherapy at the hospital, so that will be a while now, but the food bit will be sorted.

What now....

So Aug-Dec have been 40% Slimming World and I gained 2 stone. I have gone from a size 8 to a size 12 which to me isn't the end of the world, it's temporary and I am not the size 24 woman I once was.

I am absolutely terrified not going to lie and will probably result in me standing on the scales and going full on girly and having a proper cry over what I see but I am re joining Slimming World, it's the only way. I'm not setting a target this time, I am not focusing on a number I aim to have a healthy mind and a good relationship with food and balance that in with life is my priority.

I now know the aim isn't to get as small as possible or to only fit into size 8 clothes, the aim in this for me now is to find a healthy balance and to be happy.

I need to be kind to myself and use the amazing tools that Slimming World offer.

here's my target plus 2 stone

Instagram ....

I just love instagram, the support, the people, everything. I feel I can share my ups and my downs without being judged and that's amazing. 2017 is hopefully the year I find my true happiness in weight, mind set and in life in general. I aim to face things head on, I will struggle, cry, laugh, stress but I know one thing, I won't give up.

It's time for me to move on and start a new chapter in my life in more ways than one so I am heading into 2017 full of positivity, I will be sharing my journey to what I hope will be 'happiness'

Thanks for reading the pure torture of this essay, I talk for England most of the time, I feel so much better now it's all down in black and white.

However for now..... it's Christmas and I plan to demolish a £6 box of Ferrero rochers on Christmas Day and I won't stop until I feel sick, well because I can! Oh and my dessert needs to have extra thick cream on too with a cheeky glass of wine then I'll be happy.

P.S my Christmas dinner needs to be swimming in gravy, with half a plate of crispy roasters, at least 2 Yorkshire puddings and stuffing balls otherwise I will go on strike.

Before slimming world v now
All I know is, I will never be her again

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