Hey guys, this is a really really long one. Apologies.
I wanted to get it all into one post, my whole journey and my feelings now.
So yeah lets go back to 26th January 2015 when I joined Slimming World, I was getting bigger, sadder and more depressed about my size, I knew something had to change. I grew up without my mum she sadly passed away when I was two, the thought of my children having no mum growing up terrified me, it's something I've never had, a bond with a parent is something I lacked in my life and looking back had a lot to deal with my weight issues.
Anyway, moving on I was doing amazing at Slimming World, the weight was dropping off me which was amazing but looking back now it was unhealthy for me and my mind. I made crazy sacrifices and it got to a point where I was scared to eat things. Your opinion may change of me now, I've never talked about this before but you know what why sugar coat things?
I used to be scared of syns, I had them but hated myself after, I didn't enjoy holidays, going out with friends and I even took scales out when I went to eat for meals, some may call it focused and determined looking back now I just think I was bloody crazy!
I hit a loss of 9 stone 2lbs on my 52nd week of Slimming World, this is the point where things went rocky for me, the pressure finally hit me and I sat in group that day in front of everyone and I sobbed like a baby, I felt relief because I pushed so hard for it and I finally did it, I had a couple of rocky weeks then hit target of a 10 stone loss, this for me is when my problems started. I thought I was a strong person but this proved otherwise.
Target, another journey begins...
I was able to enjoy food without the fear of gaining weight I thought, however this has since triggered old habits, I am either a Slimming World angel or a PIG there is no in between. Because I didn't enjoy the plan whilst actively loosing weight I just pressured myself way too much its now causing me problems, old habits are kicking in and that scares me.
It's a massive deal for me to address this all with everyone and myself, I struggle a lot of the time when people say I am an inspiration when in fact I'm sat there looking at my phone with a grab bag of m&ms and a kebab, yes it's happened before!!! LOL
I was way too obsessed in weight loss mode and it's causing me problems now, so my advice for everyone would be to enjoy your life too, learn to love the plan, live with the plan and just remember it's only a number on the scales.
I am learning to live my life again now, I can wear the clothes I have always wanted to and do the things I love and I know food will happen and weight will change. I've decided not to focus on 'being at target' it's a number as long as I'm happy and enjoying my life that to me is more important.
I spent my whole 20s overweight and depressed, I need to stop being hard on myself and enjoy my life, my target weight is 9 stone 6lbs and as soon as it hits 10 stone that's when I need to pull it back which is exactly what I have seen this morning, I'll never be that person again and I am determined to try and beat these old habits.
Sometimes we all need to step back and take a look at the bigger picture, is our weight worth stressing over for the rest of our lives? My moto now is life is for living, I have been SO hard on myself this week but with the support of my online friends & followers I'm here now typing this saying you know what it's going to be ok. I like that we can reach out and help others going through the same struggles, it really means a lot.
So yeah, there you have it my crazy old feelings, a huge high 5 for reading this far haha.
Stay true to yourself and be honest about things, if you're struggling speak up, pressure is also no good for anyone and also enjoy the ride, take the scenic route if you must but just give yourself a pat on the back every day because at least you're trying.